Home birth story

Home birth is often a controversial subject. Here I wanted to openly share about my own experience, as reading others positive experiences gave me confidence when I was pregnant. Please I'd ask you to be kind and with good intentions while reading it, with an open heart and without any judgment.

For those who asked me « did you plan to have a home birth? » the true answer is I didn’t plan anything, or should I say I prepared myself for anything to happen (my dream being to birth in water) and surrendered to Hashem’s plan, whatever that could be, trying not to have any expectation, only praying for a healthy baby and mother.

So here is my deeply physical, emotional, and sacred home birth story:

The weekend before I gave birth, I felt movements very low in my body. It felt different, intense. I put on music and sang, danced, meditated, prayed, even cried. When my husband came home, I told him everything I had felt. Then I went to the bathroom and really let go as I was peeing. I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was completely relaxed, and suddenly I heard a voice (like a “bat kol” בת קול) whisper to my ear, or should I say in my mind, the name “Amalia.” I had never heard that name before. I came out and asked my husband, “Do you know that name?” He didn’t know it either. We didn’t even know if it was of Hebrew origin, which mattered a lot to me, because it is said that through the Hebrew name, the soul can reconnect to its source, its neshama, and throughout life, through the calling of its name, remember what it came here to do on earth. (Which is why it is so important to call a person by their full name, especially if they have several names, at least once a day.)

Right after that, I felt the need to take a prayer book to help me find the words to pray as I felt quite overwhelmed. I picked up an old book I had never really opened before, at least not for years, that my father had given me when I was little because it had belonged to his grandmother. The book was actually called “La Fille de Sion,” Daughter of Zion, a Jewish Meditations collection for women, and I found that unbelievable because it is exactly what I do and teach, yet I had never even realized the book spoke about that. I had always thought it was simply prayers in French, and I don’t like praying in any language other than Hebrew because translations can never fully reveal the secrets and depth of the Hebrew letters.

But there, I discovered a text, almost like a poem, “for a woman who is about to become a mother,” and it touched me deeply. Before closing the book, I noticed it had been dedicated by the author to my great-grandmother. And then came the shock: the author’s name was Amalia. Amalia Marsden. She had written this book in 1904, and wrote that my great-grandmother was her grandniece. My heart sank and tightened. I felt like I had just lived through something supernatural.

At that point, I still didn’t make any decision about the name of my unborn daughter, but I can’t deny how deeply it affected me. I told the story to my husband and did some research online, and I discovered that this woman had transformed, “modernized,” the development of Jewish spirituality among women in France, and had even been praised by the Chief Rabbi of France at the time. I put all of it aside and decided not to think about the name anymore until the birth. I hoped that when my daughter was born, at first sight my soul would simply know how to recognize her name, and that our role in naming her would then be fulfilled exactly as it was meant to be.

Then, around 1am I woke up feeling liquid running down my legs. At first, I genuinely thought I had peed myself while sleeping (lol). There was only a small amount, odorless and clear. I went back to bed, but shortly after it happened again, this time more noticeably. We called my midwife. Describing the thing, she said it was the mucus plug. She advised me to try to rest while waiting for contractions to begin. I noticed also a little blood from the mucus plug, and suddenly everything felt very real. Excitement, anticipation, anxiety — all existing together at once. My husband and I stayed awake for a while talking quietly in bed before eventually falling asleep again. Deep down, I already felt that labor had started. The "portal" was opening and there was no coming back, it was a matter of time and adrenaline was here even if I was trying to keep it cool, I felt tense, excited and afraid.

The next morning we slowly began preparing the house and ourselves. My husband installed the infant car seat and even checked the oil in the car, something we had never done before, I laughed so much watching him doing it. I prepared my birth space with affirmations, candles, flowers, photos, and comforting objects.

We went to get monitored to make sure everything was okay with the baby. Her heartbeat was stable (even if they said it was “low” and recommended to go do a double check directly at the hospital emergency unit, which would have been stressful and take so long, and may end up in medicalized birth for no obvious reason) and my water bag was completely intact. Talking to my midwife in front of those results, as she said everything seemed all right and normal, my husband and I decided the best thing to do now is to go home and rest + eat so we will have strength when it will begin. That ended up being one of the best decisions we made. We chose to trust the process. We lived a few minutes drive from the hospital anyway if something would have felt wrong.

By the evening, I was still running on adrenaline: excited, overstimulated, unable to fully relax. My sister-in-law, who is also specialized in osteopathy for pregnant women, gave me a sacral treatment to help regulate my nervous system. The effect was immediate. I had this vision of rain pouring on me and myself welcoming it with open arms, smiling gently. I shifted from adrenaline into a completely different state: calm, grounded, relaxed. It felt like entering the world of oxytocin.

And as you may know, oxytocin brings contractions. I call them "waves," as I surf this word felt the best one to describe it, also more gentle and less stressful according to hypnobirthing principles.

Less than an hour later, my first real wave arrived.

There was no mistaking it. It was deeper, longer, lower in my belly and back. Like an intense period sensation. It was not painful at all, I'd say slightly uncomfortable. My husband helped me set up the TENS unit on my back, and throughout the night I tracked my waves on an app. I did not wake my husband up because he really needed sleep and I knew that after the birth I will need him to be fully here for me and the baby. By morning, when I showed him the list of waves (two to three every hour, even more the last two hours) I had gone through alone overnight, he was shocked. I saw a kind of admiration in his eyes. He did not understand why I went through it by myself, but looking back at it, it is again one of the best decision I made. Because once baby is here, sleeping is... something else.

Anyway, it was about 8am, and at that point, we both understood the birth was becoming imminent. So we stayed cool into the oxytocin vibe, we focused on simple things: eating well, preparing the house, speaking lovingly to our baby, explaining that she was safe and that we were ready to meet her.

Our doula arrived quickly, around 10am, as well as my sister-in-law again. During each wave I used the TENS unit while they applied counter-pressure to my back. The atmosphere in the house was so peaceful. I did some yoga stretching in my backyard, ate delicious breaksfast, laughed with nice stories... My waves were getting more and more apart, my doula made me some Rebozo positions but still, it felt like giving birth was "moving away" in time.

I felt so safe and supported: the feminine energy around me felt grounding, strong, intuitive, nurturing. And surprisingly my husband’s masculine energy was different: softer, gentler. During waves, I needed the fire feminine energy. And in-between waves, the masculine tenderness.

It is funny because usually common sense would say feminine is soft and masculine is strong! Here it felt like the other way around.

At one point, we placed our foreheads against each other with my husband and I completely let go emotionally. I cried, relaxed deeply, and felt profoundly safe. Placing our foreheads together was something we used to do always, it makes me feel safe, seen and loved. And with the hypnobirthing principle to practice during the pregnancy how to create oxytocin (through your different senses), that was a big one for me. So with this, an intense wave came.

And suddenly it kind of stopped. My doula told me maybe to have some movement, so went for a walk outside with my husband, in the field of lemon trees in front of our house. It was a beautiful Israeli winter day — sunny, calm, warm. My husband picked oranges from nearby trees while I noticed white butterflies everywhere around us. First time I noticed so much of them, even a big yellow one. A peacock was also sitting next to me outside of the veranda window. I felt like I was part of nature, letting it flourish and evolve, my consciousness simply observing, marveling at its evolution.

The adrenaline from the previous day was completely gone. In its place there was calm, trust, courage, and an almost surprising sense of serenity.

It felt like even if we walked, the labor process was still slowing down, even kind of stopped. Because I did not really slept the night before, I was encouraged to rest, as a birth process can last several hours, even days, waves may come and go… (Only after I learned that when it feels that it stops it’s actually a divine delicious break before active labour that some call stage 2 starts - it means I was fully opened). My sister-in-law gave me a wonderful massage, with deep pressure on my back and feet, some points were gentle osteopathic points intended to induce labor. Wrapped in a blanket, I fell deeply asleep for about thirty minutes and woke up feeling completely renewed.

As I woke up, I stepepd out again in the veranda. I sat on the couch, half of me there and half of me still in my sleepy dreamy state as I was still waking up from the best nap of my life. My doula sat next to me and suggested that if I wanted to, I could “go inward” and allow myself to enter "the birth fields," put myself in the state of "birth trance."

So I closed my eyes.

I noticed the music changed, it was not my birth playlist anymore. From some hand-pan music suddenly it was a flute. Golden sunlight poured into the room. I heard birds singing outside. It smelled like home. I placed my hands on my belly and began speaking softly to my baby girl: "I love you, I am ready whenever you are, you can come, and even if I will be in pain you can continue, it will be okay, it means things are going right, that soon we will meet, and Hashem is with us all the way, we are safe, together we can do this, I trust you, I believe in you." I repeated those words internally like a mantra. And together with this I was visualizing my body opening for her: my uterus, pelvis, cervix, I was like showing her the way.

It is such a vulnerable place as you open this way, feeling safe is so important to fully let go and surrender to the process…

Just a few seconds after this, the most intense wave I had until now came, but instead of resisting it, I stayed completely still and followed it with my breath. Tears rolled down my face, but I remained relaxed, internally repeating: “Yes, this is the way. Keep going, you're doing a great job.” Then it stopped and I felt normal again and relaxed. It is incredible how between waves, you feel completely normal and you can rest. (My doula told me later that she saw the baby moving during that wave, she saw my belly shape and understood the baby was going down, she said she never seen it so clearly before as my belly was “small” and I was seating and not moving).

But then, very shortly after this wave, another one came, but that one... completely overwhelmed me. For the first time, fear appeared. I could not stayed in my meditation, I opened my eyes in despair to my doula and said “Help me, I can’t.” I literally threw myself to the ground on all fours, I remember it hurt my knees and felt cold. My doula and sister-in-law pressed strongly into my back for relief, it helped a lot. When it stopped, my doula reminded me all the preparation we had was for this very moment, all the hypnoborthing, all the exercices to learn how to release and enter the pain, going through it, breathing... It clicked in my head. Another wave arrived and I was saying out loud "YES, THAT'S THE WAY, THANK YOU HASHEM."

That was the moment I felt the first real urge to push. That was also the moment I felt myself dividing into 2 dimensions. The lower, physical, animal one, that operates according to instinct. I even bit my sister-in-law during that wave, I truly felt like an animal, but my consciousness was still attached to me so I said "oh my god what am I doing I'm so sorry" and she kindly replied "no it's okay go for it" giving me her arm but I was like no way haha! And that upper, spiritual one, my consciousness, which was of no use at this time, simply left my body and went up to let the insting mode operate. I truly felt my consciousness going up and what I mean by that is that I was seeing things from above, I had a deep understanding of everything, I could "see" what was going to happen in a near future (I'd say 15-30 min time lapse), and I could "enjoy" the show from above, laughing, encouraging, observing with a kind curiosity.

What’s strange is that, not so long after all of this happened, as I am writing this, I can barely remember the "pain" itself. I remember that it was the most intense thing I have ever experienced, but the sensation is already gone from my memory... I just cannot remember how it felt. What remains instead are sensory details: the smell of orange essential oil on the cotton my doula brought me during this strong wave, the birth comb squeezed tightly in my hand, the cold floor under my knees before someone slid a cushion beneath them, the overwhelming need to stay close to the ground, the instinctive urge to grip, bite, move, breathe...

As labor became pure instinct, there was no overthinking anymore. My body simply knew what to do, and I was in a mode of "I'm getting this job done!" I felt so powerful in the most natural and obvious way...

As my consciousness went up, I remember realizing I needed to move fast. My instinct self took out my pants, my consciousness was commenting above "what? But wait the midwife is not here. and you cannot go to the hospital naked, what are you doing?" I guess that is why my consciousness went up because it was not a time to think it was a time to act, and act fast. As I took off my pants, some blood dropped, and the urge to push intensified. I asked my doula to call the midwife to know when she will arrive, she tried to comfort me by saying "soon," I felt she was worried to worry me, but at that time I was so focused, I was not worried, I needed efficiency. I said "tell me in minutes exactly," I knew I had 14 minutes, not more. She said 40, I said “what 14?” -“No no, 40”. I then replied “hang out, she won't make it”. I turned to my husband and told him as an order "call an ambulance." I knew it would be in 14 minutes and I knew everything was going to be fine, but I also knew I needed people and material to welcome the baby (to cut the umbilical cord for instance).

As feeling the urge to push down, I also felt it through my throat. I know the throat is like a mirror of the uterus, singing can realease traumas from down there. But I never felt it the other way around like that - it was my uterus that was pushing my voice out, a very low octave, which from my sound healing knowledge makes sense as it was for the process of incarnation, of getting my baby, her neshama, down to earth.

The paramedics arrived in one minute and a half. My husband handled it.

I felt I needed to poop so I went to the bathroom. The paramedics were stressed to take me to the hospital and I asked them to wait for me to go to the toilets. My doula was afraid it was the baby and not the poop, I told her "I know, it's both!" So I went, I pooped helping myself with my hand (not the most glamourous moment in my life), I washed lower part quickly as it was super important to me to welcome my baby in a clean space (you know what I mean), but as I did that super quickly (I knew I did not have so much time like one minute or two between waves), another wave arrived in the bathroom, my husband was next to me. This one was something else. I felt "the ring of fire," it's not painful, it is just like... stinging, warm but only in that circle... It is actually the head and you feel it all around. My consciousness was like "ohhh so that's the so called ring of fire, so interesting wow so cool" and it was singing "the ring of fireeeee, the ring of fireeee" by Johnny Cash... Go figure! My instinct self was like "ok next wave she's out I need to be super fast."

I went to the kitchen again and saw a woman, she was a volunteer from United Hatzalah of Israel. I felt her energy, the same as my instinct one: focused, efficient, straight to the point. I told her "I feel the head. Can you assist me in giving birth, it is now?" She said "Yes, let's go on the couch." I was focused and calm. I felt very peaceful and efficient.

We moved to the couch. My waters broke completely as I walked there, my consciousness was like “Oh… so that’s what it looks like! It's smaller than I thought! So cool, so amazing... But well I hope I'll be able to wash it from the carpet! Haha what a funny thought to have during such a moment.” Time was not the same for my two self parts: everything was going so fast in my instinct self and so slow for my consciousness that it had time to laugh and comment and be amazed of every step!

I laid on my back with my legs raised; I remember in my preparation I learned to help myself with gravity during labour and navigate through different positions (all four, squat, sides) and I did not want to give birth in that position in theory (like we usually do in hospital), but on that moment I was so tired that actually this position felt really nice!

One of the paramedics, a muslim guy, put his hand on my knee and this also felt very good somehow, I felt relaxed and safe. I could feel, see through his kindness and good intentions towards me.

I felt an urge to push, so that is what I did, but giving birth is actually not about pushing, so nothing happened (except maybe hurting myself down there but I didn’t realize at the time cause the body also creates endorphins hormones when you let the process go naturally, which are the greatest pain killers that exist on earth, more than synthetic morphin).

The woman and my doula reminded me to breath my baby out. To exhale, a long continuous exhale, with only tiny inhales in between the exhales when absolutely necessary. Once again it clicked and I thought "of course, I practiced for that moment!"

At that same moment, my husband came next to me, held my hand firmly and looked directly into my eyes and it felt he was seeing the origin of my soul. This gave me so much power to focus even better to do what I had to do. I looked at him and another urge to push arrived, but this time I breathed, long and continuously, like I never did before. I squeezed his hand so hard he had the mark of my nails afterwards!

And something shifted again.

I looked at him so intensely, I saw through his eyes, I saw me, like a mirror, I saw our souls... I was seeing through him, through his eyes, the whole universe. It was not an image truly, it felt like all dark, all black, with some sparks, just like you would imagine the chaos in Bereshit, תוֹהוּ וָבוֹהוּ. The origin of things...

And as I was breathing my baby's head out, I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of unity: with my husband, with my body, with God, with life itself. One verse from Bereshit that I did not know by heart (that is an important detail to say to understand how divine this whole process is) came very clearly into my mind:

“ורוח אלהים מרחפת על פני המים”

“And the spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters.”

(and I checked later on the sacred text of Bereshit, the verse before is about the chaos and the verse after is about the Light, which now makes so much sense when you see it as a metaphor of the birth experience)

I thought I would meet Hashem during childbirth. Because we say giving birht in hebrew is Leida לידה which is "Leyad - Hashem" ליד-ה. In judaism it is said that birth is the only moment that Hashem comes "Himself" to support us, not sending an angel, Hashem "Himself!" But actually I did not meet him like "face to face" the way I imagined, like observing Him. I felt Hashem. He was me, He was through me. Through my breathing. I felt my breath, this exhale was so long and powerful, it did not belong to me, I would humanly not have been able to exhale for so long. It was Hashem, and not just Hashem, it was Ruach Elokim, just like it is said in that verse from Bereshit I heard. Ruach literally means wind, and I was breathing. It is translated as the divine breathe. I am still so blown away by that.

Second breathe, full body was out, our daughter was suddenly here.

I remember the immediate shock of seeing a real human appearing before my eyes. Whole. Beautiful. Alive.

I remembered her voice, her first cuty cry, and then her first look, how we looked at each other eyes.

Instinct immediately took over again — holding her, wrapping her in warmth and love.

Nothing outside that moment mattered anymore.

I tried to breastfeed but didn’t succeed yet.

Everybody looked busy, the ambulance staff was in a hurry to bring me to the hospital, to check if everything was okay. I looked at them and thought “they are in the illusion of control, everything is from HaShem, and from the place I am I already know all is okay.”

I said out loud “everybody quiet and listen only to me now” and they all stopped and looked at me. I felt so much “in power” in a funny gentle way. I said we count until 10 and we cut the umbilical cord. Then my husband and only him take the baby and we go to the hospital, I will deliver the placenta there.

We transferred to the hospital with the ambulance, I succeeded to breastfeed in the ambulance as my husband was singing to her the lullaby we created and were singing to her every night during the pregnancy.

I delivered the placenta fully and naturally with some assistance there. I had two little stitches too. Our baby girl stayed skin to skin on daddy the whole time that I was not able too.

A great thing to be at the hospital afterwards is that you had your home birth (with your own calm set up feeling safe and in charge taking your time, with the people you want being around you…) and yet you don’t need to pay for anything (home birth is fully on your charge and costs a lot) and you don’t need to go anywhere to do anything (such as to register baby at the misrad hapnim, having the doctor checking the baby - reflexes, hearing… doing the first vaccines if you want to…).

We stayed at the hospital for two nights, completely absorbed in this new little family we’ve just became. I had some great help to breastfeed there. It felt nice to be there, just a button to click for someone to come help you, give you some pain killers when needed, all the things you need for you and for baby, food ready for you to eat and nothing to prepare… I was happy not to give birth at the hospital (as it is stressful to me) but happy to be there afterwards.

On the final morning before leaving the hospital, during Rosh Chodesh Adar, our daughter was officially named during an aliyah LaTorah at the hospital’s synagogue:

Amalia 🤍

I asked my rabbanit before about the name and it has a Hebrew significance. Amal עמל means work and יה Ya is HaShem, it is the work of HaShem, or should I say masterpiece of HaShem! It embodies the values ​​of divine service. It can also be understood as עם Am People/Nation, Le ל To/For, יה Ya HaShem. Embodying this time the values of unity among the people of Israel, and therefore of the geula…

When we eventually returned home, we sat back down on the couch where she had been born. It felt surreal. Amalia felt asleep on his daddy after breastfeeding. I was so grateful. I lighted a candle and recite a mizmor leToda.

Giving birth this way, by myself, trusting the process, my baby, my body… It empowered me so much, I feel I can overcome anything in life now. It’s like discovering our superpowers as women. I created life within me, made space within me for it just like HaShem did with the “tsimtsum” צמצום. I felt such a divine creature, part of the creation, guided, supported.

I think also for my baby, at least that was my intention, that being born this way into the world will bring her confidence and peace, being born in her own timing, with that relationship starting with me as her mum already trusting her, encouraging her, telling her that she can, that she’s strong, that she’s safe, that I’m here for her and we’re going to do it together whatever happens… I like to think that this is a beautiful base to build on, for her, for me, for us… I like to think that maybe, from there, we can heal those heavy past generational mother-daughter relationships, and have something more simple and pure, more complicit and loving. Bzhm.

I also truly believe that through anything that we call « pain » in life, we have an opportunity of spiritual elevation. Pain equals Portal. Growing can be painful, or uncomfortable, especially when unprepared. But it is still a magical opportunity. I guess if we don’t go through it, face it, surrender to it, we miss the opportunity, until we meet it again in another form, another time.

Thank you HaShem.

Thank you for reading, don’t hesitate to comment and share 🫶

My pregnancy toolbox to enjoy your pregnancy: check it out here